I was abused for 19 years of the 21 year relationship with my (then) husband who is also my children’s father. I want to share with you what abuse looks like as it took me almost 2 decades to realise I was being abused.
You see I always thought that abuse was physical violence, a man hitting a woman for example.
That rape was a woman struggling against a man who is holding her down.
I didn’t think that abuse could also happen calmly, in a controlled way, in a “loving” marriage.
I have gone back and forth on whether I should share this or not, because it’s scary as hell putting this out there publicly.
BUT I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was abuse because no one was talking about it.
Whenever I plucked up my courage to bring it up with a woman I would hear “marriage is hard” or “you have to work at these things”.
So I tried harder, until finally I confided in a friend – a survivor of domestic abuse – about my husband’s “difficult” behaviour, and she told me “that’s abuse”.
Just recently a professional at a domestic abuse organisation confirmed that what I lived through for nearly 2 decades was abuse, and textbook behaviour of a covert narcissist (but that’s a post for another day).
If I can help just one woman to see her relationship clearly, and get the help she needs, then it will be worth the fear I feel writing this.
And that is no exaggeration – I’ve been writing this for weeks now, and I’m still not sure if I’ll hit publish.
I know people will attack me for this, but I also know that so many women need this, so I have to overcome my fear for them.
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The start of an abusive relationship
Just to be clear I didn’t fall in love with an abuser. I fell in love with Prince Charming.
He swept me off my feet.
We were in our mid-20s when we met, all my girlfriends wanted commitment and all their boyfriends were running away from it.
My Prince Charming suggested we move in together after knowing each other for 3 months, we got engaged 3 months later and married just over a year after that.
I couldn’t believe I was so lucky. My life was like a fairy tale.
Until it wasn’t.
Just over 2 years after we met, the Prince Charming mask fell and my real husband was revealed.
However Prince Charming still made enough visits to make sure I stayed, in the hope the moody, angry man would leave for good.
What does abuse also look like?
There are many different kinds of abuse, I’m going to share the ones I experienced – emotional and psychological, sexual and financial.
I will share some of the signs of the different forms of abuse and then specific examples from my marriage.
Emotional and Psychological abuse
- You walk on eggshells around your partner, worried about what might set them off.
- You never know who you’ll get at any given time – Best Husband or Worst Husband, you literally live with Jekyll and Hyde.
- You are so confused because you have conversations with your partner where everything is clear then the next day he’ll come back and tell you the opposite. Gaslighting will leave you questioning your sanity.
- You are constantly criticised, no matter how hard you try.
- You receive the silent treatment – where he doesn’t answer your text messages or sulks.
My own experiences of emotional and psychological abuse in my marriage
All of the above plus…
Weight criticism
My weight and what I ate was criticised incessantly.
He would constantly tell me that I had put on weight and I should work out more and eat less.
He was always telling me I should eat less than him as I was a woman.
Just to be clear, at my heaviest (not pregnant), I was a UK size 12.
In our divorce he actually stated what weight I was when we got together and what weight I was when I left him (21 years and 2 children later).
Controlling
He controlled everything our children and I did, sometimes to the extreme.
For example, one time he hid the car key so I couldn’t go out to a Christmas carol service with the children when they were little, knowing we were all looking forward to it.
He demanded that we all eat together as “one big happy family” every day, but then would talk just to me, about his business and his hobbies, expecting the children to be silent.
If they started talking he would yell at them, send them to their rooms and forbid me from comforting them, because we should “parent as a team with the same message”.
Sexual abuse
- Being coerced into performing a sexual act – force, threats, guilt, manipulation or intimidation.
- Kissing, touching or penetration that you didn’t ask for or agree to.
- Any form of sex when you are unable to consent, for example if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
The sexual abuse in my marriage started after my eldest daughter was born – 6 weeks post-partum my husband wanted his conjugal rights.
I was still bleeding, still healing and heavily traumatised after a huge haemorrhage when she was born which nearly killed me.
He didn’t care, and just kept on and on about how long he’d waited and that it was time.
So I lay back and disassociated.
Then I put that trauma in a mental box which didn’t spring open until 16 years later, when I was triggered, talking to a friend about her post-partum experience.
When that trauma was released from its mental box in early 2023 I questioned my (then) husband about it, he spat back at me “it’s not as if I raped you!”.
When my youngest was born, and I was exhausted from doing ALL the things, my (then) husband told me if we didn’t have sex at least twice a week he’d get it elsewhere.
He repeated that threat countless times over the years, even over email.
When I questioned him about it towards the end of our marriage (as I was getting wised up to his abuse) he said it was “a joke”.
Possibly the worst though is that he used to grope me in front of our two daughters, even though I’d constantly ask him not to and despite it clearly making all 3 of us uncomfortable.
We’d be watching a family film all together on the sofa and he’d literally have his hand in my bra, fondling my breast.
Most of the time I put up with it rather than saying something as that would provoke his anger, which in turn scared our daughters.
Financial abuse
- Taking control of the household finances and not allowing you access to finances / financial information.
- Making you ask for money for the most basic things.
- Not allowing you financial freedom, such as your own bank account.
- Stopping you from earning your own money.
- Racking up debts in your name.
- Controlling all spending.
- Having everything in their name – home, cars, savings etc.
I had a millionaire lifestyle but had no money for groceries
We lived a luxury lifestyle. We had a brand new Porsche Boxster and a brand new Nissan X-Trail (both in his name of course). We lived in a 4 bedroom / 4 bathroom house with a housekeeper, large garden (and gardener), pool (and pool guy).
We went on holiday to luxury places (5 star hotels, 4 weeks skiing in the French Alps…).
But he would transfer just enough of his income into our joint account to pay for our monthly outgoings (all of my income went into our joint account), and often there wasn’t even enough for the basics.
I lost count of the number of times I drove to the supermarket in a sports car, but then had to calculate the cost of what I was buying to make sure there was enough money in the account to pay for it.
No money for health but always money for holidays
A few years ago I urgently needed carpal tunnel surgery which would cost a total of £850 (I had suffered with this since my pregnancy with our youngest daughter).
He told me we couldn’t afford it (but we could afford a Porsche, a Nissan X-Trail and the rent on a luxury house) then a few weeks later he announced that we had enough money to go on holiday to Paris for 2 weeks, and 4 weeks skiing in the French Alps over Christmas and New Year. (The flights alone cost over £2,500.)
Blocking any efforts to work
He suggested that we move to a tropical island, knowing full well it would be hard for me to have the right to work there.
I fought and fought to get the necessary work papers, but then he blocked my every attempt to earn my own money.
He would repeat to me over and over again “it’s more important to work in my business, and get that off the ground first, then we can concentrate on your business”.
When I asked to be paid for the hours I worked in his business he replied that it didn’t make sense, and so I carried on working for him for free to keep the peace. This means I had almost no money of my own.
Financial abuse when the relationship ended
When I announced to my husband that I was leaving him he told me that I would get nothing.
When I entered into our relationship as a 25 year old I had a house in my own name (with a small mortgage) and my own car.
When I left as a 47 year old I walked away with no home, no car and just £80 in cash that I had managed to squirrel away.
But I am one of the lucky ones.
I might not have any assets, savings or pension, but luckily he was unable to rack up any debts in my name, so the only money I owe now is to family members who helped me out as I rebuilt my life.
I am also incredibly lucky because a Supreme Court judge granted me full custody of both our children, plus the right to move permanently with them to another continent, 6,000 miles away, with zero visitation rights.
This means that my daughters and I don’t have to have him in our lives, and we are able to move on.
Sadly most women who leave abusive partners are not this lucky.
If you think you might be in an abusive relationship and want help don’t hesitate to get in touch via our contact form here.
If you think someone you know might be in an abusive relationship, share this post with them.
If someone reaches out to you with concerns about their relationship or marriage, listen, be attentive and please don’t tell them that marriage is hard or that it’s all about “for better and for worse”.
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